I'm annoyed.
Rakina (link takes you to her author's page on AFF) has had to take down her "Notice to fanfic writers..." because - surprise surprise - she got flamed. Grrr. Perhaps I'm being obtuse but I thought the point of fanfic was to try and write characters as close to the author's original concept as possible. If you're going to warp a character so much that they're unrecognisable you might as well come up with a new one. And if you're going to insist on making someone OOC because it fits your 'concept' ("it's my story and I'll do what I want!" <flounce>) then you'd best accept that there'll be criticism despite what your your best ever online friends gush. ("OMG UR A FANTASTIC RITER!!!!! I LUV THIS!!!!")
Anyway, <settling ruffled feathers> with Rakina's kind permission I'm going to post "Notice..." here in its entirety because I think it's funny, and apt and instructive. The only thing that pisses me off more than fanficers who bugger a character concept is fanficers who refuse to improve the standard of their writing.

(A couple of warnings, I suppose, for adult concepts and very mild language - and I hope you'll forgive me, Rakina, if the formatting isn't precisely the same, M$word sometimes plays funny buggers when c/p'ing from documents...)

Disclaimer: Professor Snape doesn't belong to me (alas! earwax!) nor does Harry Potter, nor the castle of Hogwarts... blah blah blah.
Author's Note: Please bear in mind that I've written this with what I believe to be my "authentic Severus Snape" voice. The views of Professor Snape do not necessarily correspond to my own. For instance I firmly believe that everyone has the right to write and post fanfic. That said, I also agree with Professor Snape that if you're using a character's voice, it should be recognisable as that person's own voice as it is portrayed in the original works of which we are all fans. No, I am not an anti-globalisation freak nor anti-American. It's just that Hogwarts and the vast majority of its characters are as British as Queen Elizabeth II - Professor Snape especially so with his pedantic approach to language and his students' accuracy. There is so much American culture out there, you can surely agree to keep Harry Potter British.


NOTICE written by PROF. S. SNAPE to all FANFIC WRITERS.

My patience has been sorely tried of late by the widespread use of poor grammar, bad spelling, and unbelievable Americanisms (see below for things I would NEVER do.......) in Harry Potter fanfiction. So trying has this become that I felt I must write this small essay to promote the improvement of English on the internet.

Authors found falling foul of these guidelines in future will be severely punished by myself, PROFESSOR SEVERUS SNAPE, as I will refuse to participate in any of their future attempts at literacy.

I DEMAND some appreciation for my true character: I am ENGLISH through & through. Further, I am from the NORTH OF ENGLAND and we don't put up with fools gladly, tha' knows! If you cannot depict me AS I AM go and find some other character to dismember verbally. Perhaps a transfer to the "Buffy fandom" would suit, I believe that is set in the United States, is it not? Or maybe Star Trek, which is out of this world in more ways than one, and includes a large number of characters speaking in an American idiom, often regardless of their planet or species of origin.

I believe that muggle writing accessories, called 'word programs' come equipped with a 'spell checker' which can be set to use English: UK. This information was passed on by that well-known student and enthusiast of all things muggle, Arthur Weasley, when I was complaining of the lamentable inability of muggle writers to spell correctly. I suggest you set your muggle machines accordingly.


Sincerely, but not appreciatively,

SEVERUS SNAPE
Professor
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry WHICH IS IN SCOTLAND not England, you geographically-challenged, mapless dolts! Unplottable it may be, but nevertheless it's WIDELY KNOWN to be in Scotland, so no lame excuses will be accepted. The Scots are a proud nation with a long history of fierce independence (which many of them would like to regain). Even you must have heard of BRAVEHEART!


A FEW EXAMPLES OF INCORRECT USAGE COMMONLY FOUND IN FANFICTION: I can only hope you can see the errors in these examples. If you can't may I suggest a different career... signwriting perhaps ?



ACCEPT - EXCEPT
I refuse to except this shoddy work Potter! Spelling must be correct, accept from certified dyslexics whom I MAY consider excusing.

A BIG ONE so pay attention...
BLOND - BLONDE
This is a common mistake by those who do not appreciate that FRENCH is a gender-specific language. BLOND(E) is a FRENCH WORD and the following rules apply: BOYS are BLOND - so Draco Malfoy and his charming father are both BLONDS, whereas airheaded females like the Lovegood girl are naturally BLONDE. Whether or not they have recourse to the dye bottle I will leave to your own judgement.

BREATH - BREATHE
Harry remembered to breath, but he didn't take a deep breathe in case Severus thrust his overlarge cock into his mouth again. (Well, write it as it is, children!)

LOSE - LOOSE
Harry needed to loose his virginity, he had always been far too strait-laced.

MAD - ANGRY
Please note that the British do not get mad, unless they're walking in the midday sun in the tropics**. We get ANGRY. I have been known to get in this condition myself from time to time. I have never lost my sanity, however. Please DO NOT let me say things like "you make me mad" for I will not be amused. In a similar vein:

NUTTERS
Harry is completely nutters is he? I'm afraid I must beg to differ. Nuts is acceptable slang, and means much the same thing "mad, daft", a nutter is British slang for a madman, idiot (and Potter's certainly that) but nutters is not in use in these islands. Please remove all instances of this execrable word. It does not exist inside Hogwarts, nor until we admit people called Mary Sue or Marty Stu will it ever do so.

PATIENCE - PATIENTS
Work of this quality causes me to lose patients with the writers very quickly. I could be provoked turn them into patience for Madam Pomfrey.

RED HEAD - REDHEAD
The red head went upstairs, tucked firmly inside Weasley's trousers.

TAUT - TAUGHT
Potter had wonderful taught muscles (Well i suppose it's a result of all that quidditch training. NB: the overuse of the adjective "quidditch-toned" in relation to Potter's muscles is a pet hate of mine, all writers please take note).

THEN - THAN
Love is colder then death and and than some... oh yes, it is.

WONDERING - WANDERING
Potter went wondering through the castle in his blasted invisibility cloak again... (I wander why?)

There are of course many, many more examples I could have quoted, but my time is precious and I will leave it at that for now. Should anyone request help and further examples I would encourage them to contact me via the feedback opportunities given, and I will try to help, Hogwarts timetables and Lord Voldemort permitting.


JUST A FEW OF THE THINGS YOU WILL NEVER FIND ME DOING:

· Going to Las Vegas, for any purpose including gambling on slot machines and getting married. It WILL NOT happen. The glitz of the place is ENTIRELY FOREIGN to my nature: I am dark, bad tempered and anything but frivolous. The same applies to Disneyland. Get over it.
· Introducing students to illegal substances, i.e: muggle drugs. Potions are a DIFFERENT THING ENTIRELY I trust you realise, as of course is alcohol.
· Attending a muggle night club. I am often described as a creature of the dark, a description I do not entirely dislike, but I assure you I am not compatible with the over-crowding, the music (if it can be called that) or the 'meat market' ambience of such places. I am not 'hard up' for sex and do not need to parade myself at such demeaning venues.
· Becoming a gigolo. I would doubtless be excellent at the profession, but I do not have the time nor the patience to lavish on bored, sexually-deprived customers of either sex. Being a Potions Master and spy are more than full-time occupations, I can assure you.
· Conversely, hiring a prostitute. As stated two definitions above, I am not 'hard up' for sex and do not have to pay for it. I am hard quite often, and likewise up, but not hard up. Please take note. I do not mind being romantically or sexually paired with believable partners in your stories so long as I am not depicted as desperate for a lover. I am not. Nor do I protest too much, so please do not quote Shakespeare at me.*
· Turning into a sappy modern househusband, either as partner of a male or a female. I will NEVER become 'broody' as I can see no appeal in children younger than school-age, and only limited appeal thereafter until they reach the age of consent, when SOME of them become half-way decent companions. Make of that what you will, I'm sure you will anyway.
· As a consequence of the last one, I WILL NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BECOME PREGNANT. I will not brew a potion to achieve this, nor will I cast any mysterious Dark spells to facilitate such an event. Were I female I would feel exactly the same. Babies are a complete NO-GO AREA.
· Wearing boxer shorts (silken or otherwise) or any other kind of muggle undergarment beneath my wizard's robes. Wizard's robes are wonderfully heavy and loose, there is NO RISK of them blowing up and it is much more convenient for hygiene purposes (toilet visits) and some other activities to go without underwear. In my youth I lived with my muggle father, and was forced to wear the wretched garments, as I believe has become common knowledge due to a certain student's inability to keep his nose out of other people's private memories. The memory of those pitiful garments has reinforced my adult decision to dress as a proper wizard. Indeed, I would have been much less embarrassed by the previously-mentioned incident had I not had those unfortunate garments revealed to my fellow students. The equipment nature has provided me with is far more attractive and impressive.

As with the list of errors above, there are many more examples I could have written, but once again my time is at a premium, and I must leave it at that for now. I trust you get the point I am trying to make.

I would earnestly request that any writer planning to do any of the above or similar things with me in their stories CEASE AND DESIST. So frustratingly un-Snapelike are these activities that I must take exception to you associating them with my name. Once more, if you must write stories about these things, CHOOSE ANOTHER HERO. Batman perhaps? (No! Miss Snape-lover! That is not one of my pseudonyms. My robes bear no resemblance to the costume of that plastic-coated comic-book caricature.

* "The lady doth protest too much, methinks" from Wm Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act III scene ii.
** "Mad dogs and Englishmen" by Noel Coward.

Thanks, Rakina!
<giggling> "Harry needed to loose his virginity, he had always been far too strait-laced.