These little snippets of news came from Sue via Joules.
Wet myself laughing!

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible that Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that blew his house to pieces.
(Bangkok Post)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled.
"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler".
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC are Fascist Ba*tards. The bank has now asked him to close his account,and Mr.Ba*tards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque made out in his new name.
(The Guardian)

'Would the congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church labelled "for the sick" is for monetary donations only.'
(Churchtown Parish Magazine)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Landrover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "this sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)